On new beginnings, fondness, and kindness.
I’ve been so fortunate. The last four years of my life were full of love and adventures beyond my dreams. I’ve been happy, excited, sad, disappointed, I’ve been living. Isn’t that what it is? To allow yourself to feel and then move on to the next thing? I don’t know anymore.
I’ve been together with my boyfriend so long but I still wake up every morning wanting to hug him and annoy him and laugh with him. I think it’s love or just love. Sadly, he’s moving on now. I’m okay with that because in some part of me I knew it wouldn’t last forever. Everyone says that nothing ever does.
Here are a few thoughts:
1. I’m not angry, I know that 20 years from now I would be able to call him and remember our time together with great fondness.
2. I don’t feel alone or rejected. Everything I do is with sincerity and love, he got a lot of it but now I have it for myself. With kindness and thoughtfulness I’ve kept valuable friendships and even in a new and scary city like New York, I have made friends.
3. I need to try really hard to be optimistic, this is a character flaw. I am a natural pessimist and he helped a lot with that but now I’m on my own. I’m broke, far from family, and have unstable employment.
4. I’ve been thinking in terms of “us” for a long time and now it’s time to think about “me”. It feels almost selfish but then it makes sense because it’s just me. It’s time to revisit my goals and aspirations. In New York I have one chance to see what comes of it, if in a year I’m just plain miserable there are plenty more places to go. There is always a home in Chicago, Mexico, LA, and yes Anacortes.
5. Peaceful breakups are hard. I want to hold him and tell him it’s okay and then we are so comfortable in our silence and tears. I wish I could walk away without caring so much. I feel that it’s hard for him too but if he feels he needs to go. Fine. I’m not going to beg when it’s him not me.
6. How do I face the world? Asking for help, defeated, with puffy-red eyes? I suppose confidence will have to do. Right?
Yesterday, before all this drama I went to a career conference “Find and Follow your PASSION”. It was overwhelming, everything I learned was great advice, I made some great connections, and perhaps something amazing will come of it. The keynote speaker was Carla Echevarria. She talked about finding what you’re good at and being honest with yourself. Finding your passions and using what you’re good at to accomplish them. It was a great talk and it all resonated with me. I need to take the time to build up my personal brand. find out what I’m good at, and identifying my passions. Notice how it’s all about me so in conclusion perhaps the best part of being alone is that it’s me time all the time. Time is on my side now.
With lots of love,
P.S. My dear internet friends, I’m still here.